On April 1st, 2012 I lost the ability to do a lot of things I took for granted. Many people would probably think it’s things like walking, running, or my independence that I miss most. Maybe for many in my situation that is what they miss; however, that’s not the case for me. Of course, if I could miraculously be healed and walk again I would be beyond ecstatic – I pray for that every once in a while. But it’s the little things I miss the most.
It’s things I don’t think about on a day-to-day basis, but when I realize I’m unable to do something it makes me really sad and completely pisses me off. Most people tell me I’ve handled my situation and injury quite well and with a lot of grace, but it’s when these little moments reveal themselves that I want to scream.
It’s when I can’t buy certain clothes because they’ll bunch up, cause pressure sores, won’t fit with my catheter/belly bag, be too long, drag on my wheels, whatever the reason may be. It’s when I see a really cute pair of heels but can’t buy them because my ankles will roll when I wear them. It’s when my hair is bugging me and I can’t put it in a ponytail or messy bun. It’s when I’m starting school and wish I needed to go shopping for pens, pencils, highlighters, notebooks, post-it notes, index cards, a planner but don’t need to since I can’t use my hands – I used to love and look forward to school supply shopping. It’s when I run into an old notebook and miss my old handwriting – I had great handwriting. It’s when I have a paper due for school and am unable to type it on my laptop. It’s when I’m texting and miss using both my thumbs. It’s when I’m driving and really want a sip of my Dr. Pepper but can’t since I need both hands to drive now. It’s when I go to the Old Spaghetti Factory and can’t twirl the spaghetti on my fork. It’s when I go to someone’s house for dinner and want to ask if there’s anything I can do to help but then realize I can’t actually help with anything. It’s when I have a sweet tooth late at night and can’t make brownies and chocolate chip cookies on my own. It’s when my puppy comes inside from playing in the mud and I can’t wipe her paws and give her a bath. It’s when I wish I remembered what it felt like to have such a full bladder you almost pee your pants. It’s when I get home from a long day and want to put on cozy sweats but realize it’s not going to make a difference because I can’t feel anyways. It’s when I take my bra off at the end of the day and wish I could feel the relaxation and relief I once did. It’s when I see a pile of laundry and miss folding it – I never thought I would say that. It’s when I have a cold and I’m on unable to cough up the gunk in my lungs without being worried I’m going to choke. It’s when I’m on vacation and I can’t feel the sand in between my toes. It’s when it’s Christmas time and I can’t hang the lights with my dad or hang ornaments on the tree with my mom or wrap presents so perfectly anymore.
Maybe one day I’ll be back to doing the little things. That’s what I hope and pray for.
