About a year ago, a photographer I know, Kendra, reached out to me about participating in a project she was going to be working on. It’s called The Impossible Boudoir Project. She told me she would be working with twelve brave women over the course of the next year who felt that boudoir was impossible for them. Whether it was because they thought they were too fat, too thin, too strong, too old, have a disability, have a skin condition, have scars all over their body, are sick, have no hair, whatever! Her goal was and is to help people see that boudoir is possible for anyone and everyone.
Kendra features one woman a month and asked me to participate. Of course this meant I’d have to be willing to let her post the photos, interview me, and share my story. Initially, I felt flattered that she thought of me. I knew I would love the opportunity to do a boudoir shoot and help women feel confident and break typical norms our society has created. That being said, I didn’t feel comfortable having my photos posted.
After a few months, seeing photos of some of the other women, I started feeling bummed that I passed on such an awesome opportunity. These women looked confident and beautiful even though they are different. They were empowering other women. So I reached out to Kendra and asked if she was still looking for women to participate. It was perfect timing as she was looking for her last lady.
As the day of the shoot approached I began to get really nervous – started to have second thoughts about the whole thing. I was going to be publicly sharing an intimate, private, and vulnerable part of my life. I am a really confident person overall and I love my body. However, when it comes to changes to my body after my injury I definitely have some things I’m insecure about. One of those things is that with my level of injury I’m unable to control my posture. I don’t have the core muscles that are subtly working all the time to keep my organs, intestines, and everything in tight. So as a result I look extra curvy, pregnant, round, fat, or however else you want to put it. This is known as a “quad belly.” It is something that is super frustrating for me because I can’t do anything about it. Most people who want to change something about their body are able to – whether it’s going to the gym, changing their diet, getting surgery, or whatever else. In my case, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it for the rest of my life. And that’s okay. Most days I’m okay with it. But doing a boudoir shoot where I’d be taking pictures with minimal clothing and without my spanx on (which I wear everyday to help with my blood pressure and to help keep my tummy looking flat) was a big deal.
On top of this, I had a surgery years ago for my bladder so my catheter now comes out of my abdomen – not the sexiest thing in the world. However, since the whole point of this project was to try and break societal norms, I wanted to take a handful of pictures with my catheter bag on and then for the rest of the pictures I’d take it off and just have my catheter tucked away as best as possible.
The day before the shoot I was trying to pick out what to wear. I knew I could have two outfit changes, but had an incredibly difficult time figuring them out. Did I want more sexy, sporty, casual, comfy…? So I packed bras, bralettes, panties, nightgowns, sweaters, cardigans, jackets, and the list goes on. The morning of, I woke up early to do my makeup which I’d been practicing for a few days leading up to the shoot. I’d normally have a good friend of mine do my makeup but she was out of town and I didn’t want to spend the money so I figured I could do a good enough job myself. Then I curled my hair. I tried to shake my nerves. I grabbed my bag of possible outfits and a giant, beautiful fur blanket we have that I thought could be fun to use and headed to the shoot. The whole way there I was thinking, “I‘m crazy to do be doing this. I can’t do a boudoir shoot. I don’t have the right body type for this.”
Once I got to the studio and saw Kendra she immediately put me at ease. Her energy and excitement was contagious. I showed her all the things I brought to wear and she helped me narrow it down to a couple outfits … luckily, she let me have more than two. We spent the next hour or so shooting pictures. Trying different poses and using different props. Did I mention that I’m also not a sexy person? My husband would disagree with me and tells me I’m being ridiculous when I say that. But if I try to be “sexy” I tend to look pissed off. I have a serious case of RBF (resting bitch face). Kendra did a great job instructing me and walking me through movements and facial expressions. She told me to be myself so the photos would look genuine. Her energy and comments made me feel gorgeous, sexy, and like a damn queen. My pictures may not look like the Victoria Secret Angel’s, but I certainly felt like one of them.
I got a handful of sneak peeks the next day and absolutely love them. There’s a few I’m quite obsessed with actually. I’m only sharing the above photo with you for now, but maybe in the future I’ll share some more, who knows?
I’m so proud of myself for being brave enough to face my insecurities, be vulnerable (which if you know me is almost impossible), embrace my body, go through with this shoot, and be part of such an impactful and inspiring project. Regardless of your flaws, insecurities, differences, whatever your excuses may be, I truly believe every woman should do a boudoir shoot for themselves and to feel like a total babe.
Thank you Kendra for thinking of me for this project!
